NEW RULES (but they fucking shouldnt be)

Klein Rule #20 - If you are over the age of say 21, you are not allowed to yell out the car window...'buy a car" to someone on a bike...and here are two ways it could bite you in the ass...

1) that mutha fuckka probably rides that fucking thing EVERY GOD DAMN day to and from work and will most likely have more stamina and energy and the leg strength to KICK YOUR FUCKING BALLS INTO YOUR STOMACH! because you most likely sit your lazy fat fucking ass on the couch and beat your wife/girlfriend/sister/cousin because she was caring for your fucking demon seed and didnt get your beer fast enough...

2) you drive a truck...with a bunch of stupid ass racing stickers and how you love pussy...very distintive...i ride a bike...you cant hear me when i happen to find your truck and etch in the side "I LUUUUUUUUUV COCK" into your paint...

Klein Rule #214 - STOP with the southern hospitality bullshit...i am southern and there is no such thing...

i have lived a lot of places...north, south, and east.....and i have been west many times...and there are no BIGGER fuck off assholes than southern fucks...at least in new york and boston i expected it...and they were at least funny about being a dick...

i seriously fucking hate the south...with my entire black little heart...

i should probably write something new here...

im on facebook right...and i noticed something...

First let me qualify this, i am divorced...it wasn't my idea, didn't want to be a statistic, didn't really want to marry anybody to begin with...so when it happened, needless to say i wasn't a fan of the situation that i ended up in...fucked me up for awhile...and it added a little more hate to the pile i already lug around like jacob marley...so when i explain my conundrum, i want you to know that i know the bullshit that goes with divorce...

ok so I'm stalking people i don't like on facebook...because that's what you do when it's 3 am and you're two bottles of red in...right?

so i happen across this dude i never really liked to begin with from high school...but that's a whole other thing of why a 36 year old man is still holding grudges from high school...HIGH SCHOOL!

aaaand i see that his relationship status is divorced...hmmm...not surprising, he was a douche...but then i start to think...why the fuck is that an option? on the little drop down menu for your relationship status yeah?

most are understandable...

single, given...

in a relationship, okay...

in an open relationship, never really understood that one it just sounds like "hey i am fucking this one person but if you want to bump squishy bits and if you aren't a total troll ill do it...but if you are a troll you are gonna have to liquor me up first...

it's Complicated, they don't know i have a hair doll of them in the closet...

okay, where was i, oh yeah divorce...

are you that bitter that you have to let everybody know? I'm not saying you have to hide it, oh fuck no, divorcees will tell you their story of woe at the drop of a fucking hat, especially the spurned ones...they love it, yes i am in this boat as well, but now only when asked will i spic that yarn, and if you would like to hear it ill be at the bar drinking that bitch right out of my mind after this...

but i just really don't get it...why not, you know, just put single? Just like a bit a plumage to attract the female, let em know you arent all together damaged goods, and i'm p[retty sure its common knowledge that by the time you get over your 20's most people know that some one else has probably been through the ringer once or twice...

that's what i found to be the best thing to do after a divorce by the by, is to just fuck...fuck anybody...you need to make some BAD sexual choices...just to, you know, snap yourself out of the whole divorce thing...trust me you will wake up beside that one person, guy or girl...especially if its the same sex... and you will have a nice loooong talk with yourself about your choices, in the parking lot of a convenience store, while you quietly sip shitty coffee and smoke a carton of cigarettes and weep...

fortunately for me it was with a really hot fucking tranny...very passable...so i wasn't that fucked up about him...she...it...whatever! they even did the movie thing where the one with the tits sits up in bed with the sheet wrapped around thier boobs? I JUST SAW THEM FOR LIKE AN HOUR why wrap up now? they are right there, chest level, its not like a guy where the ugliness is hidden...but i guess if its a tranny you have that too...ok ok ok enough about that...i share too much with you people as it is...

so back to the divorce. i just don't get it, i never did it, never put divorce as my status...it just doesn't feel righteous to me...now getting hammered and screaming about it to some guy in the bathroom while you drunkily do his coke, now that has righteous fury to it...

i just try to picture it in my head...the person that makes that choice...

"hmmm open relationship? well if you count that bitch legs were open to everybody while we were married!...

single?, no not feeling it, besides now that I'm heaped with the 20 extra pounds of emotional baggage it feels like another person on my back..."

i just cant see the anger in "FUCK HER! *ca-lick*...HA! that will show her!"

so i guess what i'm saying is... don't let them win, don't give them the satisfaction in knowing that they made a choice for you! thats YOUR facebook...you choose whatever the hell you want it to be. if you want to be in a civil union with a half and half then you go right ahead! own your social media and don't let anybody dictate to you what you will choose from the drop down menu!

then go rub it to ladyboys from thai land...

HEY HEY HEY dont judge!

yes im still about...

no i still don't like you...

ok so i have a hypothetical for ya...lets say i have the money, i buy starry night by van gogh...its mine...i own it now...NOW i paint over it...but i make it photo realistic instead of the swirly van gogh style...its the same painting...but i "MADE IT BETTER" and then i present it to the art loving public...

after the beatings from many an art lover and the wholesale kick in the ass from the over all art community (which, lets be honest, is a dwindling community) i would be ostracised, tagged a hater of art...an imbecile...BUT you know damn well there will be at least five people who like mine better than van gogh's...

was it worth me doing that to van goghs painting to get everybody to see the atrocity that i have wrecked to van goughs painting plus the five new people that have come on board and the revenue that would accrue?

Or should i have just spent the money to take it one tour or at least promote the life of van gogh and hope that would inspire people to go in search for other van gogh paintings...

this is the question i ask myself when i see big hollywood buy the rights to Girl with the Dragon Tattoo or Let the Right One In or any other foreign cinema and re cast it with prettier actors, shove in more action and strip away character development and take anything that was worthy about that piece of Art and McDonalds that fucker up for american audiences...

Smoke 'em if you got 'em -

Klein

OK two things that are burning my ass right now...

ONE) if i have to hear one more actress/model say "im such a geek" as an excuse to prove your geekness imma slap a bitch with a ewok...either you are or you are not, both are fine life choices you do NOT have to tell me you are a geek, it will become apparent whilst i either engage you in conversation OR i will see your musings on twitter or some other such outlet...

Here i'll give you a test miss geek two thousand and eleven, Have you ever at anytime EVER switched to doggy style sex OR stopped giving head so that you can watch your favorite scene from a movie...GUESS WHAT? you're a geek...and being so you don't have fucking announce it in every magazine article someone writes about you...The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, dickheads... we can smell our own and don't need to be told that you are one of us...

TWO) wait a minute im still fuming from the last one...OH YEAH i remember! ok can everybody PLEASE put away your quote books now, i do not need to know every god damn thing the dali lama ever said, nor do i give a fuck, because bin laden took one in the brainpan. Your friends and family and everybody you are connected to on social media does not need to be deluged with quotes and funny yet wise quips from your iphone app...besides the lama is an asshole...don't believe me? first watch the Pen and tellers bullshit season 3 episode 5...THEN do what i did and then do a little more research on there claims, guess what your gonna find out...all these fantastic bits of wisdom people have been spewing forth our entire lives have come from self serving, holier than thou jackasses...here i'll give you one more quote from another jackass i know...Don't be an asshole to other people...that one's from me, you're welcome...

okay, we good? good...*lights cigarette*

Jesus fucking Christ people whatever happened to the creature comforts of life...or rather what has happened to simple customer service lately?! I have spent the last 4 years in a city...a place where I would have taking rudeness with a grain a salt, I would have given the source of rudeness the finger but at least it wouldn’t have ruined my outlook on society not like last nights outing has...i don’t ask for very much...a good coffee shop with a comfy chair, a decent sushi place and a bar that I don’t have to wade through a throng of wasted youth ordering buttery nipples or whatever crap shot they heard about on jersey shore the night before...

Somewhere that if I get the taste for wine they wont give it to me in a plastic cup...and I thought I had at least one of those covered...nicks tavern...sounds like a great little spot right? A place that conjures images of obscure beer and math geeks in the corner arguing over an algorithm; a place where everybody is a film critic and you can have a meaningful conversation about the ramones with a guy with patches on the elbows of his tweed jacket...where punk rockers drink with professors...and the bartender, who normally is a nihilist in his off hours, is attentive and helpful while his is behind that 3 feet of wood...well fuck that! Apparently you have to look at me like I have a swastika on my forehead as I interrupt your conversation with your friend about whatever crap band you are in to order two fucking cans of beer that I asked you for five times as you walked by me on the many trips to your ipod to put in whatever shit you call music...jesus christ not only was it not busy it was exceedingly dead for a Thursday night...

You know moving back from texas wasn’t all that great for my self esteem...but I kept telling myself that at least I had a few things that would hold my sanity as I figured out what the fuck my next move was...one of them was the fact that I had a bar that I could walk into and be reasonably met by the employees with at least a modicum of giving a shit...but to have some 20 something fuckwit look at me like I was some fucking vagrant off the street that asked to shit in the middle of the floor and a hotdog is a bit too much...you know I have done a lot of retail and I have helped a lot of humans that I would rather see probed anally with spiked tire irons but I have never treated someone with the dismissive attitude that I see in a lot of the generation behind me...what the fuck is wrong with people these days?!

Well seeing as how i have been threatening everybody i know for years on doing this i might as well start now...yes now i have a place to expound my rantings instead of standing on a street corner yelling at children on why glen beck is the son of fucking satan...

so i guess the first i should explain a little about myself...i wont bore you with the past so here is the short version...ill fill in when needed.

i am a 36 year old drop out of a "tech" film school in dallas texas, i have recently moved back in with my mom to try to figure out where the fuck I'm going now with my life...no i don't live in a basement, I'm not that pathetic yet. And as of right now I'm still under the 200 pound mark and a full head of hair...but if i don't start figuring out what the fuck i want to do with my life i fear that will be my future...puttering about in house shoes and hygiene far out the window...this is the future i do not want to fall into...the guy at the bus stop that talks to everybody because he has pushed everyone in his life away from bitterness and generic anger....

Generic Anger...that's a good phrase...i used to have specific anger, honed to a laser point at this or that. i could cut the stupid in twain with my light saber of truth...spit words like a ninjas throw stars...and i used to use it for good too, at least that's what i told myself...but in the last couple of years i feel i have become a former shell of myself...how does that happen? how do you lose your anger, the gumption that made you get up on your soapbox and point at some bastard that does people wrong and call them out on there bullshit...the drive that makes you go "oh fuck that!" is it age? the constant bludgeoning of life, the continuing kick to the scrotum...wow need to stop starting to sound emo here...not trying to, i guess just a little more reflective...

AH yes about me...i have had a some what career in the food industry before my railswitch to wanting to work in the entertainment industry...it was fun and lucrative but in the end i got tired of scrapping myself off the floor of some girls bathroom from the night before...taking a shower to get the last of the coke to drain down my throat and chew aspirin like tic tacs while i get back to the restaurant to do it all again...needless to say i am a man of excess...i can control the when and where i par take of the evil deeds just not the amount...i guess i looked at vices as a challenge...can i drink every budweiser in the bar...i have drugs lets do them all in one go...look at all the women, who wants to make a porno...things like that...I'm not saying its the right way but damn it was fun...and I'm not an addict, i don't wake up in sweats for this or that...lets just say moderation was not in my vocabulary...

now i am here, where here is i haven't a clue...i know where i want to go and how to get there...now i just have to get my big butt off the bench and try to give one more go at the goalie...so I'm guessing maybe if i keep this up...if i can finish just one god damn thing then maybe that will be the motivation i need to finish other aspects of my life...

so come with me on the journey of Klein...*lights cigarette* this should be fun.